A Brief Moment of Doubt

Back in October the talk of quitting my job and moving home to carve out some sort of exciting future for myself seemed awfully brave and a little bit romantic.  In the cold harsh light of February it seems foolhardy and downright idiotic.  What kind of person uproots themselves, moves away from everything they love just because they don’t like their job?  A moron probably.

I’m not exactly sure right now what it is I planned to do.  I mean I remember the basic ideals and the passionate conversations I had about making education work for me, rather than being yet another governmental whipping boy.  Or girl, as it were.  I remember being inspired by Kevin Smith and the utter conviction I had that I could do this.

The problem is ‘this’. It has become huge, undefinable to a certain extent.  Put it this way it’s not like the goal posts have been moved, rather they have been nicked, leaving a gaping maw with no focus whatsoever.  It’s not the only problem.  The other problem is that my priorities have changed slightly, but less about that for now.

What I need to do is go right back to the original plan and line up all the options I started with.  I need to fully explore the viability of each option and once I have a list of plausible things I can do I need to, as Picard would say, make it so.  Simple right?  In theory, but this was always going to be the difficult bit.  You see I have absolutely no idea what I am doing.  Yeah, I know what I said I was doing; setting up workshops in Drama, Media and English which I will take around the country in order to enrich the education of children stuck in a world of diminishing creativity.  But how to begin?

I’ve talked of business plans and projected timelines and it all sounds very impressive and makes me feel important but it’s starting to ring a bit hollow now.  What I really want to do is run an art gallery/shop and sell items made by local artisans and write a best-selling novel.  I may as well be 15 again and telling the careers lady my ideal job would be front man (woman) for a rock band.  I know I need to create a brand and market a product but I also want to write book two, paint cool pictures and see my boyfriend.  Moving home seems to have regressed me.

I’m in danger of chickening out.  Already I can hear the clarion call of the safe option; get a real job, make a life here, forget the boyfriend.  This morning I woke up at war with myself, stupid and brave battling against sensible and boring, and I forgot.  I forgot that I’m doing this because I will not be satisfied if I lie down and let life trundle over me.  I forgot what it feels like to take the blessed auroch by the horns and just hang on.  I forgot how good I know I’m going to feel when, not if WHEN, I make this work.  More importantly I forgot; it’s not in my nature to give up.  I’ve set myself on this path and I damn well will make it to the end.

Today is not a day for bellyaching and doubting.  Today is a day for identifying the things I want, for reaffirming faith in myself, for outlining and branding and doing whatever those things are people do when they start a new business.  Today is a day for being brilliant.  If I do this right I can have all the things I want, well perhaps not a pony made of diamonds but you know what I mean.  I WILL make education work for me, I WILL paint and create and sell and I WILL maintain a long distance relationship dammit.  I will do all these things because there is no other option. One thing I promise I will not do is allow myself to fail.

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