Also known as picking yourself up, sliding back down again and straining to see the light at the end of it all…
So last time I wrote I’d hit that metaphorical wall. Again. It shouldn’t really surprise many of you to know that I did make quite a bit of a comeback from that. I went from taking time to rest and refocus, to dragging myself to circuits the following day, to completing almost all of my runs for the week, to slumping back down into over tiredness. Ugh.
I’m not feeling anything like I did last week. I’m tired because I’ve not been sleeping, I’ve not been sleeping because the Trust I work for is freaking out about Ofsted, running Mocksteads and scrutinising everything and unfortunately, as a consequence, making some of us feel worthless. Even though I have a fairly poor relationship with sleep, I don’t tend to lose it worrying over my job. Generally it’s because I’m rubbish at sleeping, or because my brain chooses to highlight flaws in my character just as soon as I close my eyes. When it comes to work I’m mostly confident I know what I’m doing and no inspector is going to walk into my classroom to judge me and find me wanting. Last night, however, I obsessed about my year 11 lesson. Would it be good enough if someone walked in, could I have thought up something better, what if the kids just don’t do the work, what if I am, in actual fact, not good enough?
I know I’m not the only one. I’m not talking about at my school specifically, I’m talking about the profession as a whole. I’ve spoken to enough teachers to know the ones of us who work the hardest, feel the weakest and worry the most. We feel it when the government makes decisions that negatively affect the profession and we take it to heart when the press slams us. I’ve lost count of how often I’ve been told my profession is easy because it’s all early finishes and holidays and yet, strangely enough, the same people also tell me they’d never do the job. You’d think if they really believed it was that easy they’d be queueing up.
Anyway that wasn’t really the point of this blog. The point was to consider how, after picking myself up and making an extremely strong comeback, I’m almost back where I was this time last week. On one hand, I feel reassured that I’ll do it again, that this numbing tiredness won’t last, that it’s just a case of resting and being kind to myself before smashing out the last days of the week. On the other hand, I feel frustrated that I’m here again, too tired to do one of the things I love most. I guess there’s nothing for it but to pajama up and play me some Neverwinter.